Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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