dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
