kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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