One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
