I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
