I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
