you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
