gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
