You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
