no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
