Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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