the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She bit a glass in half.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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