I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
