I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
