Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
