i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
