i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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