i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i think we sleep fucked last night...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
