me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
either way he was missing a nipple.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize