Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
