May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize