im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So squirting runs in the family.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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