dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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