She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
