I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
