The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
