Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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