My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
