i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
