I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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