I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
