Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
