WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
