Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I love you. Go after that dick
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