dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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