Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
