Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sext me about skeletons
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
