he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
