ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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