I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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