How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
