drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
