I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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