he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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