i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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