you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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