hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
