So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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