If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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