i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
