Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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