I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
