I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
