the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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