she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize