Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
