if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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