You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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