how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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