Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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